For those of you who were worried and think that I think I actually have a problem… Take everything I write as tongue in cheek.
This should clarify:
For those of you who were worried and think that I think I actually have a problem… Take everything I write as tongue in cheek.
This should clarify:
I need you to really picture me.
I wiped my eyes as I walked down Mass Ave. through the morning commute of the respectable working class. Upon looking down at the traces of black on my hand, I realized I had gone to sleep with full make up on last night and therefore my lips were still painted bright red. I hunched into my black thrift shop blazer, uncomfortably aware that it’s barely wool shell plus my thin polka dot sweater (red, it matched my dry lipsticked pucker) was hardly appropriate for winter attire. I was trying to get my hair out of my face as I tickled my nose scrunching it up when a young gentleman in a suit and slouched hat walked past me and gave me a look that can only be described as ‘endearing admiration.’ I smiled, liking the recognition and slight flirt when I looked to my left at my reflection in the Au Bon Pan store front. Fuck. No. Not me. This can’t be happening.
My Ukulele clanged up against my thigh with a hollowed chord progression.
I am what I hate.
I’m a manic pixie.
I’m cynical, or want to be cynical enough to hate things like She & Him and hipsters. I roll my eyes at Natalie Portman and Zooey. I thought Kate Winslett’s character in Eternal Sunshine was just trying so damn hard.
I’m an improv comedian. I wear my hair in pin up styles and hats that look like I stepped out of 1945. I find myself skipping or dancing when I have no business. I have ‘Diesel’ in cursive tattooed on my ass. Let me repeat: I took up the Ukulele.
The worst part? I’ve always been this sterotype. I can’t help it, and I didn’t realize it. I fucking giggle. When teaching improv I’ve been known to give such notes as “Sprinkle on the Jams and put them in the sky.” When I date, a certain type of guy falls hard and fast for me in the first two weeks while my disshoveled traits are still adorable. Don’t worry; they soon become the things men hate the most. I imagine it goes like this:
First two weeks.
They wake up in the morning and I’m gone for work and step out of bed into a nest of bobby pins. These tiny carpet ants lead a trail around the room like I was Gretel trying to find her way home. They smile, and laugh to themselves shaking their head thinking “she’s so cute,” stashing the collection in an unused ashtray, or more likely a drawer they’ve already assigned to me.
Post two weeks.
They wake up in the morning stepping in those same pins and resent me. Biting their lips and shaking their head thinking “she’s a fucking mess,” throwing the pins in my drawer which they keep packing up for me to take home while I leave other things behind.
I really don’t try to be this. I’m not self aware enough to know in the moment when I’m cooking not using a recipe telling my partner “My heart tells me what to do” that I am disgusting. Yes, I see it now and I’m completely aware. In the moment: never.
I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck like this. I’m cursed. I didn’t ask for big pleading blue eyes and a vague talent for all of the arts. I really am distressed by this. Yes, I’m aware of it now but it’s not going to change anything.
As I type this, I’ve noticed the keyboard feels funny on my left finger tips because they’re callused from playing a sing songy version of ‘Hey Ya’ on the Uke.
I don’t have much to say. I’ve been anxious the past few days and I can’t quite put my finger on why. Of course, I have some theories but they don’t seem to fit. I wen’t from carefree and easy (albeit a bit irresponsible) this summer to hunching my shoulders and being on edge lately. Where did my confidence go? There has to be a happy medium, right? Shake it off, lady!
I’m working on it, I’ll let you know what I come up with. In the mean time here is a post from October 23rd, 2002. Mitt was running for Governor of Massachusetts. I still don’t know how to accurately voice my political feelings without getting overly passionate and talking in circles with little eloquence. So, I’ll say it the best I can: Mitt Romney still sucks.
I had the worst headache ever at rehearsal tonight. I felt horrible. My acting was atrocious. I have so much to work on.
I miss Shep.
Yes, you Shep. It’s not like I can do anything about it, cause you live in Boston and I’m all the way out here and I won’t be home till November 11th, and there is a small chance I will see you… but I was thinking about Malibu today, and I just thought I would let you know that I miss you.
Mitt Romney sucks.
Last night I got a surprising text from an IB friend turned motorcycle wanderlust MB that on her adventures she was staying at her boyfriends buddies house in New York. Turns out, the beau’s buddy is none other that my first love.
I’m sure I’ve talked about Tom in this project before. While he wasn’t my first boyfriend, he was the first one that defined my perception of romantic love and in a way, sexuality. In fact, every man I’ve had a serious relationship with since Tom has reminded me a little of him.
I tend to date tall men who are brilliant. I know many people think that intelligence is sexy, and honestly I wouldn’t be friends with you if you didn’t. The men I date tend to be a cut even above what the standard perception of intelligence. Tom was (and I’m assuming still is) extremely gifted in all areas of academia. I remember him scoring through the roof on his PSAT’S which led him to a special summer program at Penn State for poetry. That summer I went to Boston University for a theater intensive and those six weeks apart were the pin that broke us.
I like to be challenged. If left to my own devices I could easily waste the day making daisy chains and and sprinkling fairy dust upon the world. That’s not to say that I don’t find academia important – it’s just in a romantic partner if they aren’t interested in the wicked smart things I find no reason to try and impress them with my wits. I’ve gone on enough dates this past year to figure out that I have an extremely small threshhold for anything less than scholarly.
It also falls into the tough guy category for me. While it would be nice to have a guy that could kick someone’s ass if they threatened me, more important is that they can defend their beliefs with backed up knowledge. One of the things I most admired about Mooney was his retention of information. A bigot quotes the bible damning my gay friends? He would come back with three different scriptures and a butt load of facts. Heh. Butt load.
I suppose while looking at this I should note that these type of men are attracted to me as well. I am certainly not going to claim to have any where close to the IQ of those I date. But there must be something about my spontaneous absentminded manic pixie girl mentality that they find attractive. I suppose I should give them all a survey. I’m not going to do that.
What have I learned since Tom? Not much. I’ve learned that I like smart, perhaps a little socially awkward dudes that I can pull out of their shell and they can keep me on my toes. I mean, just look at the Dr.
Uh… Guys… I’m FINE. Here’s a little thing you have to know about me, I love to paint a dramatic picture. Yeah things are a little rocky with the Dr. right now but not so much that like, I’m gonna pitch myself off the Tobin. In fact we had a pretty awesome time together yesterday and this morning.
Since yesterday’s post people have asked me (or those close to me) if I’m “ok.”
Yeah guys! I’m totally okay! Promise! So read my blog as a the flowery life lesson that I’m making it and I promise I’ll tell you when things aren’t ok. Or, you know, talk to my therapist.
What have I learned since yesterday? Dunkin Donuts has unsweetened Peach iced tea and its the tits.
Also, the Mountain Goats were unbelievable.
The first time I heard the Mountain Goats I was 18 years old. I was living in New York on the 22nd floor of a peculiar dorm/apartment hybrid in Midtown Manhattan and it was two months after that thing that went down on September 11th. I don’t know why that last fact is important but somehow I felt like I needed to include it or I’m not American or something. My downstairs neighbor called me to come to her room because I had to listen to this song:
That night I just know I went back upstairs to my computer and put the lyrics “The most remarkable thing about you standing in the door way is that it’s you, and that you’re standing in the doorway” on my IM away message. That song started a huge love affair with the band which more often than not consisted of Jon Darnell with just a guitar and perhaps a bassist to back him up.
I’m having a bit of a hard time with my current relationship. I’ve decided I’m going to be completely candid on this blog because if there is anything I learned from the girl I once was it’s cryptic entries on the internet help no one. Also, John Perich once said in reference to this blog “Shannon’s touching and hilarious; give her a read.” READ EVERYTHING THIS MAN WRITES CLEARLY HE KNOWS ABOUT GOOD THINGS AND HE WROTE A FUCKING BOOK…Oh, um… excuse me… I don’t know what happened there. So, um… I’ll let that boost my ego well over a year later and try to add honesty to that list of compliments.
There are two current major concerns in my current relationship:
Tonight the Dr. and I are going to see the Mountain Goats… I can’t confirm this, but I think I’ve seen them every year since I first heard Going to Georgia. I only want to go to this concert with someone I love, and share all my bests with but I’m nervous because as I said things with the Dr. are… rocky. I’m standing on the edge of the relationship cliff wondering what to do and what’s going to happen. Ugh. I love Hyperbole. Last night before some shit hit the fan I had the best time singing this:
While he strummed guitar. One thing I love about watching the Dr. play guitar is when he gets the hang of a bit he does a Ray Charles eyes closed head sway that I find the most endearing. That’s just one thing I love about him. There are a lot more than that one and that’s why I’m hanging on by my nails. I fight for that which I believe in. I want us to give it the Old College Try.
What have I learned from the girl I was last night? The girl that stood her ground on somethings and let others slide?
I’ve got to fight for it.
I need to be a better(read: considerate and giving) girlfriend.
I need to dig my heels in the mud and stick to my truths.
I need to prove to him, and more importantly to myself that we will work.
I learned that no one can make me feel crazy for the things I feel, especially when they’re very rational. (I would like to thank Jackie for always reminding me of that. In the car spilling out my problems yesterday she said “I’ll give you some of my rational” and I said “I’ll give you some of my emotions.” And then we laughed that laugh we both have that compliments each other beautifully)
Sometimes it’s totally legit to want to sleep in separate beds in the same house (someone remind me to tell them the Brad story from college)
Most importantly (and perhaps I’ve known this) I’m worth it. I’m a catch, and the kind of girl that deserves awesome. I just have to remember to give awesome to get awesome.
So yeah. Let’s go see some Mountain Goats tonight, huh? If they can’t find the right words for all my emotions then we’re all fucked.
The most remarkable thing about coming home to you,
is the feeling of being in motion again
(it’s the most extraordinary thing in the world)
I have two big hands and a heart pumping blood ,and a 1967 colt .45 with a busted safety catch.
The world shines as I cross the Macon county line
going to Georgia.
The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway
is that it’s you
(and that you’re standing in the doorway).
and you smile as you ease the gun from my hand
and I’m frozen with joy right where I stand
the world throws its light underneath your hair
forty miles from Atlanta, this is nowhere.
Going to Georgia
The world shines as I cross the Macon county line
Going to Georgia.
*The first time I threw my panties off his balcony because I thought it would be sexy. The second time it’s because they were spanx and I didn’t want him to see them when he came back in the room.
**Last night while talking about our own improv habits, Rachel used the example of “Like, we know Shannon’s going to take something that her character feels and relate it to how her heart hurts.” I’m paraphrasing but it’s so true. It’s a meism.
***Like Shane, the …. Gentleman… that I dated this summer – I walked in on him with another woman. I literally walked in the bedroom and went to sit on the bed to wake him up and there was another woman who’s foot I was touching. I’m sure we’ll talk about the lady I am now compared to the one I was when I was dating him.
I woke up on my couch this morning, and while laying there contemplating the past 24 hours and the day ahead I thought about this blog. I was sleeping on my couch because my cat peed in my bed. She’s new to us (her name is Emma) and there are all sorts of reasons she could have peed in my bed. I like to think she was punishing me for not being around as much as I should. Thank you, little blog, for not peeing in my bed even though I haven’t been around as much as I should.
When I started this project it was the idea that I would revisit the girl I once was in high school and college. For the most part that project has run its course, though occasionally I might revisit one… we’ll see what mood I’m in.
I am clearly not the girl I once was when I wrote my last post on June 15th, 2011. In that time my life has changed dramatically. I’ve lost 70 (plus) pounds, I’ve moved three times, I’ve grown as an improviser, I’ve started teaching comedy, and my boyfriend of 5 years and I ended our relationship. Oof. Big stuff, huh?
I’m a few months away from 30. Why does that number seem so heavy? Writing it drops like a dumbbell on my foot.
Here’s the thing, I’m not even what I once was yesterday – I can tell you several things that have changed from then to this morning on the couch. There was an earthquake (a minor and by no means life changing earth quake – but the earth moved). I’m still dating the same man who I’ve been for a mere two months, but we passed our break up date* something that I wasn’t so sure would happen. I went and saw the Canadian band Sloan and totally dug them. I took my coffee black – something I thought I hated but am getting used to. Look! I’m different!
It’s hard to be vulnerable. As a lady comedian I keep up my guard so often in an attempt to somehow prove myself. Doing that makes other parts of my life weaker – mainly when it comes to relationships. If all the emotions are going to be bottled up there has to be storage for them and there isn’t enough room for all the emotions of a 29 year old woman who’s “figuring it out” (as I like to tell myself). I’ve found myself crying at inopportune times and getting irrationally bitchy at things like stop lights and pencils and friends. I cried in reaction to facebook yesterday. FACEBOOK.
Enough of that already. Here I am starting a new outlet for myself exploring daily what I once was and seeing if there is anything to be learned from it.
So, Emma peed in my bed. What did I learn? I have a packed life, but I have to make time for the things that don’t seem as important but are. Let’s do this thing.
* Jokingly on one of our first dates the Dr. (what he shall be called for the purpose of this blog) invited me to see Sloan which was months away at that point. The addendum was “If you know, we’re still seeing each other.” That’s when we came up with the idea that it would be our break up date, you know, as a joke. HAHAHAHA. Ha. Heh. Ugh. Well, it came and went and it worked out. We made it and didn’t break up. I’m bad at deadlines so I haven’t counted my jelly beans as they say, but… this gentleman is teaching me new things about myself daily. That’s good. Really good.
Holy MIA Shannon! I’ve been the busiest bee on earth in the past two weeks. Improv is all over my life and I’ve barely had a moment to breath.
Things that are going on in my present life:
Getting ready to plan the second annual ImprovBoston Drinking for Comedy Pub Crawl. IB’s most successful fundraiser from last year is coming back! Stay tuned for details and the date fourth coming. I mean have you ever wanted to arm wrestle and play assassians with 100 people? Get ready to put it on your calendar.
Rehearsing and performing with Mainstage at ImprovBoston. Though the season is winding down I still have some upcoming shows in July, we also have a show next week at the Providence Improv Festival on Friday night. Check out the schedule or email me for details!
Rehearsing and performing with Maxitor, one of ImprovBoston’s Harold teams. We just held auditions and are pleased to welcome two new awesome members. We have a show tomorrow night June 16th at ImprovBoston and we’re also performing next Thursday at the PIF as well! We’re also gearing up for a trip to Canada (um… passports are so expensive) to do some shows and workshops. Yes! Maxitor also scored a sick spot at the Del Close Marathon in New York August 12th on Friday night at the UCB theater. This is kind of a big deal –New York friends come on out!
Last, but not least is the Cage Match at the Castle Bar in Brightontonight. It’s the boys vs. girls tournament and I would be lying if I didn’t say the girls team is comprised of the most talented and funny women in Boston. Come on out then watch the Bruins with us after.
This is only a small slice of what I’ve been doing. Honestly, I’ve barely had time to breathe. Regular posts resuming soon!
i’m going to bed talk to you later
sighs flitter the papers on the desk.
The desk in my mom’s apartment where I was livingish for the summer.
i’m so stubborn i can’t even grasp my own weakness right now.
Well, isn’t this a loaded line? I know that I was super in love with Nick and nothing was happening. I’m assuming this has to do with that.
sometimes i stop, and count the seconds between the colors on the stoplight outside my window.
one one thousand… two one thousand… three one thousand.
I remember this night, it was really warm out and my mom was asleep. I had the couch for a bed that summer. I remember just staring out the front window for a while watching that light turn over and over again.
cars stop, impatient with the light, and run it.
This is beginning to sound a little beat poetryish.
tonight i wash my hands of this.
especially when i spend most of my time convincing myself of it.
so it shouldn’t be hard to unconvince myself, right?
I had been convincing myself that one day said boy would suddenly look up and realize I was the one, that I had been there all along. I can tell you right now that once I’ve convinced myself of something it’s a tough road to go back.
thanks to avery tonight.
thank god for 3rd grade tom boys.
Ugh, I loved Avery. She used to wear boys shirts tucked in with bow ties and was such a tough nut. She hated being a girl. Now, she’s going into college and we’re friends on facebook. She’s turned into quite a beautiful young women. Also, I find it so weird being friends on the internet with the kids I used to babysit.
Derek used to pound up and down the stairs at the big commune house where we used to live in Amherst. The stairs in the front hall were steep and he would run up slapping his hands on the steps in time with his feet screaming “Pamela” as he made his way to his girlfriends room. Derek was always perky in the morning, and having never been a morning person our paths crossing were at times dangerous. On this particular morning after having heard his stairs opera a few times I was awake but cranky lying in bed. Shortly after the last decent I heard a loud knock on my door (my bedroom door led to the front hall).
“Shannon!” Derek’s gruff voice barked at me.
“What?” I yelled as the door flew open.
Derek stood at my doorway as I hid under the covers.
“Can we label you as a free spirit yet?
“Go away!” I giggled finding the whole situation too charming to be grumpy in the morning.
I’m so hypocritical about things.
I will be annoyed with people around me, and then when they are gone and don’t pay attention to me-I’m annoyed.
I think I’m just more fucked up than anything.
All vague situations aside, I took a minute to look around today. At my life and all.
(By the way, I write how I talk so commas and other good things don’t always make sense. They are where my breath and brain breathe).
There are really good people in my life. Interesting. I would like to watch a movie about any of them. And the really important people-my day to day people…. they are very rich in ideals and ideas. They arent shallow. I consider myself more shallow than these people (but I don’t think I’m that shallow, I’m just quick to judge sometimes). Oh dear. Youre missing your point silly.
I just wish I could show you how GOOD these people are.
This is my way of being thankful I think.
Derek said yelling in my hallway randomly as he often does “Shannon, can we label you as a free spirit yet?”
I dunno. Can we?
Rooms clean. Friends are around. Lovely lovely lovely. Even when I’m hypocritical.
Or fucked up.