The first time I heard the Mountain Goats I was 18 years old. I was living in New York on the 22nd floor of a peculiar dorm/apartment hybrid in Midtown Manhattan and it was two months after that thing that went down on September 11th. I don’t know why that last fact is important but somehow I felt like I needed to include it or I’m not American or something. My downstairs neighbor called me to come to her room because I had to listen to this song:
That night I just know I went back upstairs to my computer and put the lyrics “The most remarkable thing about you standing in the door way is that it’s you, and that you’re standing in the doorway” on my IM away message. That song started a huge love affair with the band which more often than not consisted of Jon Darnell with just a guitar and perhaps a bassist to back him up.
I’m having a bit of a hard time with my current relationship. I’ve decided I’m going to be completely candid on this blog because if there is anything I learned from the girl I once was it’s cryptic entries on the internet help no one. Also, John Perich once said in reference to this blog “Shannon’s touching and hilarious; give her a read.” READ EVERYTHING THIS MAN WRITES CLEARLY HE KNOWS ABOUT GOOD THINGS AND HE WROTE A FUCKING BOOK…Oh, um… excuse me… I don’t know what happened there. So, um… I’ll let that boost my ego well over a year later and try to add honesty to that list of compliments.
There are two current major concerns in my current relationship:
- I haven’t been a ‘fun’ girlfriend. I’ve been on this emotional roller coaster as mentioned in my previous entry that is less than desirable Ok… I’ll admit it: I’ve been a shitty girlfriend. I haven’t given my best to the person I care for and that just sucks. Who wants to be in that spot? I have all the excuses in the world why I’ve been like this: I’ve been tired, I’ve been sick, I haven’t had much time, my birth control is off, Romney exists… all of those are just excuses and I have to own that. I ended a relationship this year partly because we stopped trying and I’m beginning to see how easy that habit is to fall into. Well fuck that shit. I’m not gonna do that. I’m going to be the charming woman that I bring on all of my first dates to the whole shebang! It’s like as soon as we started to cook together and watch movies I went into robot 5 year relationship mode. No, thank you. Sex, learning new things about each other, and throwing panties off balconies for me, please.*
- This other thing…. Ugh….Fuck…. I know I said I would be candid but I just can’t. While I can list all of my faults and arguably poor decisions on here, it’s not fair for me to speak on behalf of my significant other’s. Maybe if he leaves me broken and bitter lying in a bathtub while my roommates wash me while I sob over my broken heart. Maybe then I can write about things that make me say things like ‘my heart hurts’** and cry on the floor while throwing ultimatums at him.***. To get a sense of the issue it boils down to trust and relationship expectations. What is considered reasonable when it comes to requests of another person? When you lose trust how to you earn it back? When betrayal happens is everything tainted for ever and ever? If you have the answer to any of these things give me a buzz. From what I can tell it’s all about compromise, and…. Oh God… I’m going to say this… I’m sorry… love. It’s all about love. Suck it Shakespeare and your stupid sonnets.
Tonight the Dr. and I are going to see the Mountain Goats… I can’t confirm this, but I think I’ve seen them every year since I first heard Going to Georgia. I only want to go to this concert with someone I love, and share all my bests with but I’m nervous because as I said things with the Dr. are… rocky. I’m standing on the edge of the relationship cliff wondering what to do and what’s going to happen. Ugh. I love Hyperbole. Last night before some shit hit the fan I had the best time singing this:
While he strummed guitar. One thing I love about watching the Dr. play guitar is when he gets the hang of a bit he does a Ray Charles eyes closed head sway that I find the most endearing. That’s just one thing I love about him. There are a lot more than that one and that’s why I’m hanging on by my nails. I fight for that which I believe in. I want us to give it the Old College Try.
What have I learned from the girl I was last night? The girl that stood her ground on somethings and let others slide?
I’ve got to fight for it.
I need to be a better(read: considerate and giving) girlfriend.
I need to dig my heels in the mud and stick to my truths.
I need to prove to him, and more importantly to myself that we will work.
I learned that no one can make me feel crazy for the things I feel, especially when they’re very rational. (I would like to thank Jackie for always reminding me of that. In the car spilling out my problems yesterday she said “I’ll give you some of my rational” and I said “I’ll give you some of my emotions.” And then we laughed that laugh we both have that compliments each other beautifully)
Sometimes it’s totally legit to want to sleep in separate beds in the same house (someone remind me to tell them the Brad story from college)
Most importantly (and perhaps I’ve known this) I’m worth it. I’m a catch, and the kind of girl that deserves awesome. I just have to remember to give awesome to get awesome.
So yeah. Let’s go see some Mountain Goats tonight, huh? If they can’t find the right words for all my emotions then we’re all fucked.
The most remarkable thing about coming home to you,
is the feeling of being in motion again
(it’s the most extraordinary thing in the world)
I have two big hands and a heart pumping blood ,and a 1967 colt .45 with a busted safety catch.
The world shines as I cross the Macon county line
going to Georgia.
The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway
is that it’s you
(and that you’re standing in the doorway).
and you smile as you ease the gun from my hand
and I’m frozen with joy right where I stand
the world throws its light underneath your hair
forty miles from Atlanta, this is nowhere.
Going to Georgia
The world shines as I cross the Macon county line
Going to Georgia.
*The first time I threw my panties off his balcony because I thought it would be sexy. The second time it’s because they were spanx and I didn’t want him to see them when he came back in the room.
**Last night while talking about our own improv habits, Rachel used the example of “Like, we know Shannon’s going to take something that her character feels and relate it to how her heart hurts.” I’m paraphrasing but it’s so true. It’s a meism.
***Like Shane, the …. Gentleman… that I dated this summer – I walked in on him with another woman. I literally walked in the bedroom and went to sit on the bed to wake him up and there was another woman who’s foot I was touching. I’m sure we’ll talk about the lady I am now compared to the one I was when I was dating him.