Where I am Now…

Holy MIA Shannon!  I’ve been the busiest bee on earth in the past two weeks.  Improv is all over my life and I’ve barely had a moment to breath.

Things that are going on in my present life:

Getting ready to plan the second annual ImprovBoston Drinking for Comedy Pub Crawl. IB’s most successful fundraiser from last year is coming back!  Stay tuned for details and the date fourth coming.  I mean have you ever wanted to arm wrestle and play assassians with 100 people?  Get ready to put it on your calendar.

I’ve been busy with Comedy on Tap, a show I host once a month for Bad Habit Prodictions with dear friend and hilarious comedian Christine Cuddy.  Come check out our July 17th show!

Rehearsing and performing with Mainstage at ImprovBoston.  Though the season is winding down I still have some upcoming shows in July, we also have a show next week at the Providence Improv Festival on Friday night. Check out the schedule or email me  for details!

Rehearsing and performing with Maxitor, one of ImprovBoston’s Harold teams.  We just held auditions and are pleased to welcome two new awesome members.  We have a show tomorrow night June 16th  at ImprovBoston and we’re also performing next Thursday at the PIF as well!  We’re also gearing up for a trip to Canada (um… passports are so expensive) to do some shows and workshops. Yes! Maxitor also scored a sick spot at the Del Close Marathon in New York August 12th on Friday night at the UCB theater.  This is kind of a big deal –New York friends come on out!

Last, but not least is the Cage Match at the Castle Bar in Brightontonight.  It’s the boys vs. girls tournament and I would be lying if I didn’t say the girls team is comprised of the most talented and funny women in Boston. Come on out then watch the Bruins with us after.

This is only a small slice of what I’ve been doing.  Honestly, I’ve barely had time to breathe.  Regular posts resuming soon!

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June 8th, 2003

 June 8th, 2003

i’m going to bed talk to you later
sighs flitter the papers on the desk.

The desk in my mom’s apartment where I was livingish for the summer.
i’m so stubborn i can’t even grasp my own weakness right now.

Well, isn’t this a loaded line? I know that I was super in love with Nick and nothing was happening.  I’m assuming this has to do with that.
sometimes i stop, and count the seconds between the colors on the stoplight outside my window.
one one thousand… two one thousand… three one thousand.

I remember this night, it was really warm out and my mom was asleep.  I had the couch for a bed that summer. I remember just staring out the front window for a while watching that light turn over and over again.

cars stop, impatient with the light, and run it.

This is beginning to sound a little beat poetryish.

tonight i wash my hands of this.
it’s silly.
especially when i spend most of my time convincing myself of it.
so it shouldn’t be hard to unconvince myself, right?

I had been convincing myself that one day said boy would suddenly look up and realize I was the one, that I had been there all along. I can tell you right now that once I’ve convinced myself of something it’s a tough road to go back.

right.
Correct.

thanks to avery tonight.
thank god for 3rd grade tom boys.

Ugh, I loved Avery.  She used to wear boys shirts tucked in with bow ties and was such a tough nut. She hated being a girl. Now, she’s going into college and we’re friends on facebook.  She’s turned into quite a beautiful young women.  Also, I find it so weird being friends on the internet with the kids I used to babysit.

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June 5th, 2004

Derek used to pound up and down the stairs at the big commune house where we used to live in Amherst.  The stairs in the front hall were steep and he would run up slapping his hands on the steps in time with his feet screaming “Pamela” as he made his way to his girlfriends room.  Derek was always perky in the morning, and having never been a morning person our paths crossing were at times dangerous.  On this particular morning after having heard his stairs opera a few times I was awake but cranky lying in bed. Shortly after the last decent I heard a loud knock on my door (my bedroom door led to the front hall).

“Shannon!” Derek’s gruff voice barked at me.

“What?” I yelled as the door flew open.

Derek stood at my doorway as I hid under the covers.
“Can we label you as a free spirit yet?

“Go away!” I giggled finding the whole situation too charming to be grumpy in the morning.

June 5th, 2004

I’m so hypocritical about things.
I will be annoyed with people around me, and then when they are gone and don’t pay attention to me-I’m annoyed.

I think I’m just more fucked up than anything.

All vague situations aside, I took a minute to look around today. At my life and all.

(By the way, I write how I talk so commas and other good things don’t always make sense. They are where my breath and brain breathe).

There are really good people in my life. Interesting. I would like to watch a movie about any of them. And the really important people-my day to day people…. they are very rich in ideals and ideas. They arent shallow. I consider myself more shallow than these people (but I don’t think I’m that shallow, I’m just quick to judge sometimes). Oh dear. Youre missing your point silly.

Ahem.

I just wish I could show you how GOOD these people are.

This is my way of being thankful I think.

Derek said yelling in my hallway randomly as he often does “Shannon, can we label you as a free spirit yet?”

I dunno. Can we?

Rooms clean. Friends are around. Lovely lovely lovely. Even when I’m hypocritical.

Or fucked up.
Your choice.

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Just Say Yes.

Driving to work I usually flip between NPR and WERS. While on the pleasantly empty Mass Pike ride this morning The Smiths Just Say Yes came on and I was suddenly rushed back to 2002 and my first semester at UMASS.

As I had stated in some previous entries pertaining to that period of my life, I was totally smitten over this boy named Nick.  I think a lot of the girls I hung around with had a Nick thing at one point, and one thing we all share is that nothing ever came to fruition. My Nick thing started when we were in the same class and I was totally taken by his McGuyver way of handling situations compounded with his almost obsessive knack at chivalry.

One night after he had walked me back to my dorm we started IMing.  At this point we had been hanging out for a while sharing those precious walks across campus and even doing the phone thing – I remember being floored the first time my dorm phone ring and it was a boy who wanted to talk to me. So we were chatting about God knows what… I was probably attempting a solid coy flirt…. when he sent me a song.  At UMASS in those days media sharing was rampant and we even had our own service that you could download music from just at that school.  I mean, in my mind i-tunes wasn’t even a thing.

So, I open the file and it’s the Smith’s Just Say Yes.  In my mind this was his way of telling me (through song) that he loved me.  All he needed me to do was ask, just like the sweet voice said.  Of course, instead of following suit I continued to turn what I wanted to be a romance into an awkward friendship, which veered into platonic by the beginning of the next summer. Our time had past.

Nick was rather clueless.  I remember soon after school broke (the song thing happened way back in November by the way) he came to visit me inNatickquite a bit.  He would always stay hours after the rest of my friends left, and I remember breaking down one night around 2:00 am and blurted out “Nick, people who are just friends DON’T stay until 2:00 in the morning after everyone else has left.  This time is left for people who want more than that!” Nick looked stunned and apologized.  I don’t remember what was said after that, but Nick didn’t stay late any more.

So, there’s that.

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May 30th, 2003

“Shannon, things like that don’t make other people fall in love with you. But they make you fall in love with other people.”

That sentence alone is the reason I chose this entry.  My whole life I’ve had this half cocked idea that if people could just really see me they would fall in love with me.

Really seeing me means things like me taking them to the waterfalls inNatickon a warm rainy summer night where we would sit in quiet and just be.  I thought that because I found solace in something so deep and meaningful then they would suddenly wake up from the fog they were in and fall deeply in love with me.

That’s not how life works.  You can’t make someone fall in love with you that way.

I remember one time Genevieve and I kidnapped these two boys we loved.  We called them up with “a surprise.” We picked them up armed with a bottle of wine and some cheese and drove to the Christian Science Looking Pool inBoston. In our minds these boys who like hippy bands and baseball were going to finally see what it is us girls had to offer.  It turned into an awkward night that I spent with Genevieve’s boy and her with mine because, well, you can’t force someone to love you and it was much more comfortable to sip wine out of a bag with a boy that you had no stakes in.
That was night was going to happen a few years later, and it made me finally learn that love doesn’t work that way – it’s more organic than that.

May 30th, 2003

Myths

I don’t know what I expect.
At this point I should say nothing.
But I can’t settle for nothing.

“Shannon, after a while you can’t deny those thoughts.”

But after a while, I have to.

Someday we can drive down Pond Road.
And I’ll take you to the falls.

Shannon, things like that don’t make other people fall in love with you. But they make you fall in love with other people.
You certainly are silly.

I’m exhausted.
So is my mind.

Steph is amazing.
Words don’t fit.

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May 28th, 2002

Perhaps if I were in a different mood I would snark all over this entry, but today my friends, I’m not. Reading this just made me feel sad.

Here I was a 19 year old girl feeling like nothing was really going right. Unrequited love laced just about everything I did.  Sometimes, if you fancy yourself a tragic romantic enough you become one.

We all know things get better – Hell , there are videos out there for you to watch just to remind yourself. But in those moments sometimes things really do hurt than all the more important things going on in the world.

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I was talking about.  I had returned home fromNew York, I was living at my deceased grandmother’s house with my father, and I had just cut off a brief fling with a boy I barely knew several years older than me.

Soon summer would really set in and I would be working at camp and find some meaning in dirty little snotty kids, but on this day life wasn’t really holding up for me.

I know I look on the bright side at the end of this entry but, well… I’m still me and I can tell when I’m lying.

Looking forward to those summer entries.

May 28th, 2002

“I would have treated you so well.”
There is a very fine line between the heart and the mind. What your heart says and what your head says are both extremely convincing.

Part of me doesn’t care what my friends think. What is “better?” How is “better” defined? Who is to say that “better” is a real thing that can actually come along?

What is better than being treated right and being loved?

I saw Dan tonight. At Dunkins. I was walking over to get some coffee to stay awake and I saw him, I ran over to him and wrapped my legs around him. He gave me a kiss and he said “I missed you so much…my God… you smell like you still.”

I missed him.

Then I spent time with Pretzle Boy. rowing up is strange. People looking older is strange. People being older is strange. Its nice. I felt anxious all night. Not in the bad way, but in that internal jittery way.

Genevieve is going to Paris. I love her too. I could sit with her for hours. Or him, even if we are internalizing and questing some stuff.

Age defines us all so much. Definitions change with age. My definition of friendship and love has changed dramatically this year.

My definition of living has changed.

Sitting here in Christmas pjs, and a pink shirt that doesn’t match. I feel a little heartachey, but almost in a good way.

I’m gonna follow my heart, but do it slowly. Who cares what anyone else thinks, right?

If you can’t follow your heart, then what can you follow?

Good Nite.

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May 21st, 2004

In 2004 I was living in Amherst in a three apartment house that was treated more like an 8 bedroom.  We often called it the commune and that image wasn’t too far off.  We shared living rooms, kitchens, food, cheap wine, and a lot of drug related experiences.

We were all good kids. Not hippies, but the free style mentality went well with a group of well educated liberal Modest Mouse loving early twenty somethings.

My last few months there were wonderful.  We all worked in downtownAmherstspending our day serving the community coffee, ice cream and our distaste for the man. Nights would be spent listening to music drinking God awful wine and discovering ourselves.  We were such a cliché.

One May afternoon we all decided we wanted to go on a “trip” together. Yup we all took a bunch of mushrooms at the same time, didn’t leave our house for 8 hours and hallucinated our faces off.  This is me admitting to illegal activity in my early twenties.  Thank God I did it so I know how to deal with rebellious kids someday.

Below is my wrap up that I wrote the next day. Roll your eyes all you want, but unless you have gone on such an adventure don’t judge.  I still remember it this way.

May 21st, 2004

Yesterday was intense and amazing.

I sat in Pammy’s room and saw the butterflies in her umbrulla dance around. The floor had a city under it, and a geogeous river running through it. I couldn’t grasp the colors, but I was holding them just fine. I figured out girls were made of soft things. I watched Eric for a while and realized that he was so beautiful. I came down stairs and curled up on my bed and found a blue string. I layed in that sunny spot and made the string dance. James Dean was smoking a cigarette right above me and started to laugh. The greens were so green, and every color meant something. I wish colors always conciously meant something. I felt like a little girl, I was so alive.

But most of all I thought. Our time here is so short. And the thing I kep writing down was “I can’t make anything stay” everything was fleeting and I just wanted some permanance. I figured out I have never been able to say all that I have ever felt. I wanted to speak about everything but I couldn’t. I can’t. I realized that it truly is such and enormous thing to walk and to listen.

It was an amazing experience.

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